I’m sure a good number of you are aware that a trending hashtag is going around Twitter entitled leave it in 2014, a cornucopia of dickheads and dickhead related issues that have put a dampener on the year. I figured as a skilled pessimist i should chip in, so here are my top 8 things we should leave in 2014.
1) Popularising Dickheads In The Media
Obviously the route cause of this is people keep lapping it up, if people stopped buying copies of the Sun or watching This Morning to see what this pair of toxic twits are billowing out their filthy mouths the world would be a better place. Your rage is fuelling their existence, if you want Josie Cunningham and Katie Hopkins to go away boycott anything with them in, it takes money out of their hands and hopefully forces them into some kind of abyss or media blackout zone.
2) Beards & Top Knots
This may be purely for vanity reasons, but it seemed a requirement of being an attractive man in 2014, as many of you know i’m one of those unlucky men who can’t grow a proper beard and 2014 is also the year i cut 14 inches of hair off my head. So in 2015 i would like to be considered more attractive than i was this year, please and thank you. Knowing my luck being black, short or having long hair will be in fashion.
3) Small Political Parties With Right Wing Views
This applies to the left as well. I’ve become disillusioned with politics recently, not to the level which i will hail Russell Brand the new messiah, but what is the point in these small grass routes political parties with deep routed “British values?” They just seem to take away working class votes from parties that could get into power as a protest vote. If there is anything other than a broken coalition government this election i will be well, well surprised. I’m not nearly enough educated on proportional representation either to hail it as the new way forward. But would it be possible for a government next year who can do three things: stop censoring the internet, not increase tax rates and keep the NHS reasonably well afloat.
4) Films Where The Last Is In Two Parts
Another year of cinema another year of sequels, it’s fine, no one wants to take a financial loss on a new story with fresh exciting characters, what i would just like to end is splitting the last film of the series into two parts. Padding them out with a tonne of unnecessary dialogue and exploring background characters too closely.
5) Throwing The Words Mysogynist And Sexism At Things
Who would of thought at its core point, one of the pinnacles of human creation, the internet, a bastion of free thought and exchange would be mainly used for looking at boobs and getting angry at text? After Gamergate and the subsequent Metalgate this year, it seems the new thing is just throwing dogma at certain groups because Racism and Sexism are wrong and that group has a large membership of white males. Blanketing an entire group as bigots from the actions of a small minority of dickheads is just as bad as the racism and sexism they’re supposed to be portraying. Whichever side of the fence you’re on, don’t tar people with the same brush.
6) Faux Charity
It seems 2014 was the year the internet and charity joined together in 2014 with the ice bucket challenge and whilst i’m not against raising money for charity there are two startling disappointments about this, people are doing charity so they can seem cool on social media. Since when did anyone want to become Bono? But my true hate is for the idea of Dryathalons and Stoptober. People sponsor you to stop drinking for charity? It’s descriptive of a nation having a drinking problem at it’s core. Now i don’t drink, but i do for example enjoy fast food and chocolate. No one is going to sponsor me to give my vices up and surely the amount you save not drinking is tenfold the amount you raise being sponsored, lets see someone stop drinking and spend the money they would on charity instead please, then you can post as many Instagram selfies as you want with a pint of fucking water and the hashtag #dryathalon.
7) Content Composed Solely Of People Watching And Commenting On Other Content
South Park recently touched on this, but why has a large part of media become watching peoples reactions to pre-existing media, boasting boring or unoriginal opinions? If i want to laugh at someones opinions for a few hours i will do it properly and watch a stand up comedy DVD which actually might be creative and say something witty rather than the 14th comparison of Ed Miliband with Wallace from Wallace and Gromit this week.
8) Announcements Of Announcements
It seems a large amount of social media has recently just become announcements of when announcements are happening. Or bands being really cryptic. Do you know what would just totally flip this on it’s head? Just releasing something out the blue and shocking your audience, even better if it’s free. Necrophagist i’m looking at you. New album tomorrow for free please with a world tour to back it up. People would lose it.